4 Strategies For Listening Mo’ Better

Yes, I’ll admit it…I’m a terrible listener.  I have the best of intentions of hanging on every word that is said but, usually, I drift.  But, it’s not my fault!  I have these crazy monkeys jumping around in my head at all times!  One causes me to babble, another one causes distractions and the host of others just jump around and fling poo on each other!  Okay, there are no monkeys…but sometimes it feels like there are!  However, knowing that I am a poor listener is the first step in my becoming a better listener.

In today’s world, I don’t think I’m alone.  I would venture to say that we all struggle at one point or another in our ability to listen.  Listening is a distinct asset and askill that can be continually honed.  Do you struggle with the monkeys?  Do they keep you from listening too?  If so, try these 4 strategies that will help you listen mo’ better!

LISTENING STRATEGY NUMBER ONE: SHUT UP!
REALLY!?  The first step in being a better listener is to shut up?  YOU BETCHA!!    There’s no way you can hear another person if you’re yammering about something or thinking about yammering about something.  If you want to say something….DON’T!  If you are thinking about saying something…DON’T!   ZIP IT and concentrate on the person that is speaking.  Your turn to speak will come soon enough.

LISTENING STRATEGY NUMBER TWO: PAY ATTENTION
What is being said is not nearly as important as how it is being said.  If you aren’t paying attention, you’ll miss 80% of the content!  Listen for feelings, voice inflection, and watch body language.  I can’t tell you how many things I misinterpreted when I wasn’t fully paying attention.  I once ended up as the only straight man in a gay bar because I wasn’t fully paying attention to what was being said (on the plus side, I drank free that night).  Make and keep eye contact when possible and stay in the moment.

LISTENING STRATEGY NUMBER THREE: KILL THE MONKEY
Monkeys in my brain cause distractions.  You want to kill the monkey?  Get rid of the distractions!  He’ll die of boredom and won’t cause you any more grief.  The biggest distraction for me is this computer I am typing on right now!   Quite frankly, my children capitalize on this and will purposely ask me for expensive trappings while I am on my it.  It’s costed me a fortune in agreed to items that I remember nothing about because the monkey hadn’t been properly euthanized.  You know what YOUR monkeys are…kill THEM!!

LISTENING STRATEGY NUMBER FOUR: REPEAT IT
You’ve accomplished the first three strategies and think you know what’s been said…now repeat it back to the person that was speaking.  You don’t have to do it verbatim (actually, I’d paraphrase it…repeating back verbatim is a little bit creepy).  If you’ve gotten something wrong, they’ll let you know.  If not, you’ve tried your best to get the gist of the conversation and/or issue down to the best of your ability.  BRAVO!

Like I said, I struggle with listening all of the time.  I can blame it on monkeys, computers, children, or the fact that I grew up as part of the Sesame Street generation and I’m used to everything being spoon fed to me at an elementary level.  Whatever the cause, I can continue to work on listening mo’ better every day.  With time and perseverance, I might just get good at it someday (and perhaps you will too)!

SIX THINGS ABOUT PERFORMANCE APPRAISALS

Giving someone their annual performance appraisal can be tricky if you aren’t mentally prepared.  My first crack at debriefing someone was an eye opening experience!  I had plenty of years on the opposite side of the desk (getting told how I was performing) and thought I knew how I wanted it to go but found myself ill-prepared when it came down to executing it properly.  I quickly got a system down and, after hundreds of practice runs, here’s what you need to know:

1.   Perception is NOT reality! People’s perceptions of what they do and how they do are much different from yours.  A good way to check this is to simply ask, “how do you feel things are going for you here, Bob?”  (I just used Bob because we all know a Bob).  Doing this allows you to assess where they “think” they are versus where they might actually be.  If they are the same…..FANDAMNTASTIC!  If not, chances are you’ve done a poor job of communicating how they’re doing through the year.

2.  Be Prepared! I absolutely HATED when my bosses would ask me for my input on my annual evaluation but really wanted me to write it for them.  On one hand, it was great to toot my own horn but, on the other, it was somewhat disheartening to think that the person I had pledged my loyalty to for a year couldn’t take an hour to recap all of my great accomplishments.  Keep a log book or accomplishments folder on each team member to record noteworthy things (and some other not so noteworthy things).  Let them know about it and also contribute to it if they’d like to (also let them see it when asked so you don’t have to visit HR unnecessarily).  Prior to your debrief meeting, go through EVERYTHING to make sure you haven’t missed anything (it will also help you NOT rely on your memory…..that can JACK you up!).

3.  Be Personable! Make people comfortable!  Getting debriefed on your performance can be some stressful stuff.  I always knew I worked hard but always wondered how things were going to go on the evaluation debrief.  Pick a quiet spot, welcome your person with a smile and make some small talk before lunging into the crux of the debrief.

4.  Be Honest! I hated it when the person debriefing me would “talk around” a subject and not about what I needed to work on.  Give it straight!  Would you torture someone by slowly pulling off a band aid or would you yank it off quickly?  Hit it quick, honest and forthright.  Trust me, they’ll respect you MORE in the morning for it.

5.  Use the Goldilock’s Principle for Targets (Keep Them Just Right)! I like a good challenge but too many (or too few) can have an opposite effect on my long term performance.  Keep performance targets “just right” when thinking about personal and professional goals.  Ask your team member to give you a few, you contribute a few, come to a consensus on timelines and then document it .  Targets without action steps to get there is like being on the right track but just sitting there (eventually you’ll get run over).

6.  Give it like YOU’D want it. We’ve all been there, done that and have the war wounds to prove it.  We’ve gotten great appraisals and some that were like giving birth (I’m speculating) so we should know how we’d want to receive one.  Think through the process as if you were giving it to yourself and treat the other person accordingly…fair, consistent, and factual.

These aren’t the ONLY things needed to give a great performance review but they are SIX things that helped me make the most of the one’s I did (and, like I said, I’ve done a lot of them).  Keep it real and remember that you’ve been on the other side of the desk.

Value Added

“ARE YOU SERIOUS!?”  I thought to myself as I got off the phone with my supervisor.  This was the fourth time I had reworked this report - each time having had different directions,  parameters, and requirements.  Usually, I like things on my “done” list and not my “to do” list but this time I felt a little different.  I was frustrated, unmotivated and, yes, a little angry that I was going to have to work through this data again.  This resulted in me having a conversation with myself that spooled me up even more.  At the peak of my self induced conversational frenzy, my supervisor walked in the door.  I don’t know if it was a look of surprise or death that I gave him as he stepped closer to me and began to speak but I know that it wasn’t pleasant.  In a very low, calm voice he said, “Chip, I know that this has been frustrating, but let me tell you everything that’s been going on with this data call and why it’s so important.”  He then explained all the information that hadn’t been given to him at first but he also explained the value of what we were doing (in a nutshell, that the requirements we were justifying would, in the end, ensure others’ safety).  Immediately, my self talked changed from that of righteous indignation to that of an attitude of “how can I do more?”  I learned an important lesson that day….VALUE MOTIVATES!  That giving people the “why” of what they do creates value for them and, in turn, for the team.

From that day forward I have worked to link people to value by valuing them in three ways.

First, I value the person. Each person brings something unique to the team. I have always envied my “Spock like” logical co-workers who approach each task as if they’re about to perform brain surgery. That’s not me and not in my “gift set.” What I do bring is passion for the task and creativity in getting it done. Those that have recognized this and valued it, motivated me to do more. As a supervisor, when I took the time to get to know my people, know their gifts and fit the job to their strengths, we were able to get more done as a team - each and every time.

Second, I value the contribution. Let’s face it, we spend most of our waking hours at work or thinking about work. In the end, work has to mean more than just a paycheck. Each of us (including myself) wants to feel that we’re making a difference in some way - that our contribution to the end result matters. The easiest way to let people know is, yes, to just tell them. Just as my supervisor communicated the importance of my contribution to the end result, I have worked to let others know the same. Telling a person is the first step - rewards are the second (a THANK YOU is a great start).

Third, I value the relationship. I’ve had very few jobs in my life where I woke up and thought, “HOLY CRAP!! I GET TO DO THIS TODAY!” For me, the joy in work has come partly from the type of work but mostly from the people I worked with. If we enjoyed each other, had fun, and were able to connect on a personal level, I was in my element. I am not saying that I have to be everyone’s best friend. That’s not possible. But, I am saying that we, as leaders, can create the type of environment where people flourish.  This is done by sharing our time, our talents and our story. Anytime I’ve shared my story with another, it shared my humanity and encouraged them to do the same.

In today’s world, we’re all trying to do more with less and leverage what little we have left. Why not leverage the only real assets in our organization that matter - our people! If we want more value, it starts with relaying the value. By valuing the person, the contribution, and the relationship, your team will go further than you ever thought possible (and probably enjoy the trip a little more too).

IMPROV TO IMPROVE!

“FREEZE!” I yelled as I clapped and turned around to take the place of one of my improv troupe members who were already on stage.  The premise of “blind freeze tag” is to automatically take the exact physical place of an existing person on stage when you call “freeze” and start a new scene.  I did just that, continued and then another called “freeze” and tagged me out.  This has been how I’ve spent my Monday afternoons for the past year - learning Improvisation at The Second City in Chicago.  I started my yearlong expedition as a way to expand my thinking, increase my creativity, and explore a new way to connect with my audiences when speaking.  I wasn’t disappointed!   Each week, I was continually taken out of my comfort zone as I froze, squeezed, and played.  What I also found was that there are many parallels between being a good troupe member and the skills I learned on teams during my 20+ years in the Navy.  Here are three basics that can be easily applied to your team and will make this year one for you to remember.

Commit
Stepping into a scene with “I suck, this sucks, or we suck!” written across my forehead is the surest way to disconnect with a scene member or an audience.  The same is true for solid team work.  I know it’s not always easy.  Believe me, I’ve been on teams (and in scenes on stage) where I didn’t always know where we were going or what my part was.  Regardless of the circumstance, I threw my whole self into the mix.  Doubt, dissention, and disagreements can quickly dissolve a team dynamic.  What we get as a mission or premise is irrelevant if we’re going to help our team move forward  - give it your all, give of yourself, and give it freely.  Keep insecurities and instabilities to yourself and commit!

Gifts
On my first day of improv class, our teacher shared that, “In improv, there are no mistakes, only gifts.”  What a fantastic premise!  What if we took this thought into our team decision-making matrixes?  How many times has your team been paralyzed from making any decision due to fear of making the wrong decision?  What if fear was taken off the table and a mistake was looked at as a “gift” or an “opportunity to learn?”  In today’s world, failing to make a decision is a decision to fail.  Every great team I have been on took risks, explored new avenues, and stepped out in possibility.  All it takes is an outlook change - “mistakes” quickly become gifts when we decide to extract something positive from the experience.  Give that gift to your team and yourself!

It’s Not About You
The thing I loved the most about this past year has been the feeling that, no matter what, I knew the person on stage had my back and I had theirs.  I’ve been on a few teams where I KNEW that but I’ve also been on some where people were more interested in serving themselves than the cause or each other.   Like great teamwork, improv is about serving one another.  How can I support this?  How can I support you?  What can I do to make this better and further the scene (cause)?  These are all questions that should be asked when looking to move your team forward.  Serving others and the cause can only help to make EVERYONE look great.  Die to self and give it to the team!  Move that scene forward!

This past year of improv training was extraordinary!  I learned a lot about myself and was able to re-connect with some of the facets of teamwork that I had always enjoyed and also enjoyed myself during the process (which is a MUST for me).  Now it’s time to clap, say “FREEZE!” and tag your way into a new scene that is filled with renewed commitment, a decision to give and take gifts, and serve others.  Make it count - Improv to Improve YOUR TEAM!

Build Communities

Standing there (in nothing but a large pair of boxer shorts) during my first 2 days of Navy Boot Camp, I stenciled my clothes as quickly as my chubby hands could get them done while the person next to me, obviously stressed, was crying as he was doing his within the allotted time limits (quietly, I was thankful that my last name was only four letters and not 10 like his).  Abruptly, a loud bellow came from the front of the room, “Hey, Fatboy!  You gonna lose that spare tire while you’re here!?”  Shaken by the decibel level increase, I looked up and looked around.  My eyes then met the originator of the call.  “Yes, Fatboy, I’m talking to you!”  I nodded, and called back, “Yes, sir, I’m going to lose it!”

Although it was a nickname I did NOT want to identify with, I did lose the weight and (little did I know) that this introduction to military service was, in fact, the best thing to ever happen to me.  Prior to this, I had never quite felt like a part of anything.  This grouping of misfits, outcasts, and socially questionable people came to be my family - a community of people that bonded together when times were tight, stressors were high and jobs needed to get done.  Throughout my 22 years of service, it was never about the team, it was about the community - what we could do as a group that was commendable, worth doing, and enjoyable (most of the time) while we were accomplishing it.   The Encarta Dictionary defines community as “a group of people with shared interests within society.”  Communities of people get more done - leveraging their differences as one force for the good of the whole.  Are you building great communities?  Here’s how to tell:

Rapport

Although a little tough, in retrospect, what the “fatboy” comment taught me was that we were all humbly in the same boat.  Yes, I was able to stencil my uniforms quicker than the gent next to me but that didn’t make me any better.  Regardless of where we come from or, even, how long our last name is (or isn’t), communities do not foster competition between members.  Rather, they foster a oneness of purpose and of shared meaning.    Shared meaning, organizationally, gives a group a focal point for communicating and moving forward.  As a leader, I never hesitated to roll up my sleeves and get dirty.  This helped in creating the “we’re all in this together” rapport that was needed to hamper competition, leverage individual strengths, and foster oneness of purpose.  Rapport builds relationships and, quite simply, binds us emotionally together.

Reciprocity

What I love about my community now is the same thing I loved about being in the Navy.  I always know that someone has my back.  Currently, if I get up earlier than my neighbor on a snowy day, I take care of his walkway.  On days he’s up and at it early, he does the same.  After being jolted by the bolstering voice of the Company Commander while stenciling, I reached over and helped my long lettered neighbor get through his mess.  Yes, at the time, I would have done anything to get the focus off my portliness but helping my neighbor did the trick.  I was left alone and slapped on my portly back for helping out a shipmate.  Building a community within your organization doesn’t have to take a negative spin and can be as easy.  It’s as easy as rewarding those who go out of their way to lend a hand to another.  What are the mechanisms in place to recognize and reward that kind of servant stewardship where you are?

Recreation

Having fun is the social grease that makes the community machine function smoothly.  What’s best is that recreation helps to build rapport and the want to help each other out.  I like to think of it like this:  When I know and laugh with someone, I know them on a different plane - more personally.  We’ve communed in way that is unique and binding.  During my boot camp months, our group perpetually laughed at the incongruent nature of our lives and how we ended up there at that place.  We also laughed at our mistakes as we helped each other get better.  My current community has the same feel when we get together to barbecue in the backyard or meet at the school for an ice cream social.  This is the easiest thing we can do to build community in our workplaces - let off the gas and allow people to have fun, laugh, and enjoy what they do and who they do it with.

In the end, I enjoy being part of a community much more than being on a team.  The feel is just different.  When I’m part of a community, I don’t feel encumbered by rank, title, or circumstance - I feel free to explore, speak up, and contribute because I know that I have something that provides value to the whole and we’re all in this together.  I’ll never forget that day stenciling (nearly naked and ashamed).  Not because I was “called out” for  being a fatboy but because it was my introduction to a community of people that served each other and served something larger than themselves.

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