4 Strategies For Listening Mo’ Better

Yes, I’ll admit it…I’m a terrible listener.  I have the best of intentions of hanging on every word that is said but, usually, I drift.  But, it’s not my fault!  I have these crazy monkeys jumping around in my head at all times!  One causes me to babble, another one causes distractions and the host of others just jump around and fling poo on each other!  Okay, there are no monkeys…but sometimes it feels like there are!  However, knowing that I am a poor listener is the first step in my becoming a better listener.

In today’s world, I don’t think I’m alone.  I would venture to say that we all struggle at one point or another in our ability to listen.  Listening is a distinct asset and askill that can be continually honed.  Do you struggle with the monkeys?  Do they keep you from listening too?  If so, try these 4 strategies that will help you listen mo’ better!

LISTENING STRATEGY NUMBER ONE: SHUT UP!
REALLY!?  The first step in being a better listener is to shut up?  YOU BETCHA!!    There’s no way you can hear another person if you’re yammering about something or thinking about yammering about something.  If you want to say something….DON’T!  If you are thinking about saying something…DON’T!   ZIP IT and concentrate on the person that is speaking.  Your turn to speak will come soon enough.

LISTENING STRATEGY NUMBER TWO: PAY ATTENTION
What is being said is not nearly as important as how it is being said.  If you aren’t paying attention, you’ll miss 80% of the content!  Listen for feelings, voice inflection, and watch body language.  I can’t tell you how many things I misinterpreted when I wasn’t fully paying attention.  I once ended up as the only straight man in a gay bar because I wasn’t fully paying attention to what was being said (on the plus side, I drank free that night).  Make and keep eye contact when possible and stay in the moment.

LISTENING STRATEGY NUMBER THREE: KILL THE MONKEY
Monkeys in my brain cause distractions.  You want to kill the monkey?  Get rid of the distractions!  He’ll die of boredom and won’t cause you any more grief.  The biggest distraction for me is this computer I am typing on right now!   Quite frankly, my children capitalize on this and will purposely ask me for expensive trappings while I am on my it.  It’s costed me a fortune in agreed to items that I remember nothing about because the monkey hadn’t been properly euthanized.  You know what YOUR monkeys are…kill THEM!!

LISTENING STRATEGY NUMBER FOUR: REPEAT IT
You’ve accomplished the first three strategies and think you know what’s been said…now repeat it back to the person that was speaking.  You don’t have to do it verbatim (actually, I’d paraphrase it…repeating back verbatim is a little bit creepy).  If you’ve gotten something wrong, they’ll let you know.  If not, you’ve tried your best to get the gist of the conversation and/or issue down to the best of your ability.  BRAVO!

Like I said, I struggle with listening all of the time.  I can blame it on monkeys, computers, children, or the fact that I grew up as part of the Sesame Street generation and I’m used to everything being spoon fed to me at an elementary level.  Whatever the cause, I can continue to work on listening mo’ better every day.  With time and perseverance, I might just get good at it someday (and perhaps you will too)!

R U ANGRY!?

I stood there in complete amazement as the man yelled, “Hey!!  You can’t cut!!  There’s a line here!  What are you doing!?”   No, he wasn’t yelling at me…he was yelling at a another man who was trying to board our 5 hour flight to San Francisco ahead of him.  It was like, somehow, we had been catapulted back into the second grade and a fight was going to ensue that the teachers would have to break up.  At first, the man tried to ignore what was being said but, after noticing that EVERYONE was looking, he sheepishly moved backward into obscurity and boarded the plane when no one would object.  Like I stated, I was amazed at what had just happened but not surprised.   Everywhere I go seems to have an abundance of people that are stewing in a cesspool of negativity and anger.  Granted, in the world, we will always encounter angry people but, lately, I seem to be noticing it much more.  This may sound elementary, but I really think the world is getting to us.  The economy, downsizing, rightsizing, and the constant onslaught of peril we see on the news are definitely taking their toll.

We can’t run optimally or reach our true potential when we are running on negative emotion and anger.  Doing this is like putting bad gas into our tanks - it’s going to cause some performance problems!  Leading others starts with leading yourself.  When you feel the weight of life bearing down on you and negativity starting to swell, try one of these strategies.

Talk It Out
When I bottle my anger up, it’s going to come out some time and when it does, it is usually MUCH WORSE than if I had addressed it head on in the first place.  If I have something that is bothering me, I’ll talk about it with a trusted friend or someone that can help me with the situation.  This can help me not only get it out there but also get another perspective on the issue.  No two people looking at the same thing will perceive it the same way.  Get a second opinion and get it out there.  If it involves a person, open up lines of communication and let them know.  From my end, there’s nothing worse than someone being angry and me not knowing why.  If I know, I can do something about it.

Find The Humor
I found the humor in the second grade antics of the man at the airport even if he didn’t.  If I were he, would I have found it as funny?  Maybe not but I certainly could’ve found something funny to think about to get my mind out of the spiral of negativity.  That’s all we need sometimes is one thing to help us get over the hump and get back to business.  I have several “fail safes” for bringing a smile to my face (most of them involve my wife and kids - they continually make me laugh).  Take a mental break by finding the funny, smiling, and moving on.

Divert Your Attention
The single best application I purchased for my iPhone this year is Scrabble!  Traveling can have its stressful moments.  Being delayed, diverted or cancelled can be enough to drive one crazy!  Why?  Because I’m not in control!  Many times with anger what we’re dealing with is control and predictability.  If we lose control or can’t predict what’s going happen, anger can be a result.  What can I control?  Myself!  I can control where my attention goes and what I cam going to pay attention to.  I can’t control the airline but I CAN control what letters make a fabulous word in scrabble.  Pick something that works for you.  It could be exercise, reading, watching a fun video - anything that diverts your attention for that moment where you might do or say something destructive that is going to be regretted.

These are just three practical strategies I use for leading myself when the world is trying to lead me astray.   Deciding to use one of them comes at a moment of choice.  But when I choose to use a strategy I have control of the situation and it doesn’t have control over me.  It allows me to be at my best, give my best, and help others do the same.  Make a choice to enjoy more and stress less.  I think you’ll like the results!

IMPROV TO IMPROVE!

“FREEZE!” I yelled as I clapped and turned around to take the place of one of my improv troupe members who were already on stage.  The premise of “blind freeze tag” is to automatically take the exact physical place of an existing person on stage when you call “freeze” and start a new scene.  I did just that, continued and then another called “freeze” and tagged me out.  This has been how I’ve spent my Monday afternoons for the past year - learning Improvisation at The Second City in Chicago.  I started my yearlong expedition as a way to expand my thinking, increase my creativity, and explore a new way to connect with my audiences when speaking.  I wasn’t disappointed!   Each week, I was continually taken out of my comfort zone as I froze, squeezed, and played.  What I also found was that there are many parallels between being a good troupe member and the skills I learned on teams during my 20+ years in the Navy.  Here are three basics that can be easily applied to your team and will make this year one for you to remember.

Commit
Stepping into a scene with “I suck, this sucks, or we suck!” written across my forehead is the surest way to disconnect with a scene member or an audience.  The same is true for solid team work.  I know it’s not always easy.  Believe me, I’ve been on teams (and in scenes on stage) where I didn’t always know where we were going or what my part was.  Regardless of the circumstance, I threw my whole self into the mix.  Doubt, dissention, and disagreements can quickly dissolve a team dynamic.  What we get as a mission or premise is irrelevant if we’re going to help our team move forward  - give it your all, give of yourself, and give it freely.  Keep insecurities and instabilities to yourself and commit!

Gifts
On my first day of improv class, our teacher shared that, “In improv, there are no mistakes, only gifts.”  What a fantastic premise!  What if we took this thought into our team decision-making matrixes?  How many times has your team been paralyzed from making any decision due to fear of making the wrong decision?  What if fear was taken off the table and a mistake was looked at as a “gift” or an “opportunity to learn?”  In today’s world, failing to make a decision is a decision to fail.  Every great team I have been on took risks, explored new avenues, and stepped out in possibility.  All it takes is an outlook change - “mistakes” quickly become gifts when we decide to extract something positive from the experience.  Give that gift to your team and yourself!

It’s Not About You
The thing I loved the most about this past year has been the feeling that, no matter what, I knew the person on stage had my back and I had theirs.  I’ve been on a few teams where I KNEW that but I’ve also been on some where people were more interested in serving themselves than the cause or each other.   Like great teamwork, improv is about serving one another.  How can I support this?  How can I support you?  What can I do to make this better and further the scene (cause)?  These are all questions that should be asked when looking to move your team forward.  Serving others and the cause can only help to make EVERYONE look great.  Die to self and give it to the team!  Move that scene forward!

This past year of improv training was extraordinary!  I learned a lot about myself and was able to re-connect with some of the facets of teamwork that I had always enjoyed and also enjoyed myself during the process (which is a MUST for me).  Now it’s time to clap, say “FREEZE!” and tag your way into a new scene that is filled with renewed commitment, a decision to give and take gifts, and serve others.  Make it count - Improv to Improve YOUR TEAM!

Build Communities

Standing there (in nothing but a large pair of boxer shorts) during my first 2 days of Navy Boot Camp, I stenciled my clothes as quickly as my chubby hands could get them done while the person next to me, obviously stressed, was crying as he was doing his within the allotted time limits (quietly, I was thankful that my last name was only four letters and not 10 like his).  Abruptly, a loud bellow came from the front of the room, “Hey, Fatboy!  You gonna lose that spare tire while you’re here!?”  Shaken by the decibel level increase, I looked up and looked around.  My eyes then met the originator of the call.  “Yes, Fatboy, I’m talking to you!”  I nodded, and called back, “Yes, sir, I’m going to lose it!”

Although it was a nickname I did NOT want to identify with, I did lose the weight and (little did I know) that this introduction to military service was, in fact, the best thing to ever happen to me.  Prior to this, I had never quite felt like a part of anything.  This grouping of misfits, outcasts, and socially questionable people came to be my family - a community of people that bonded together when times were tight, stressors were high and jobs needed to get done.  Throughout my 22 years of service, it was never about the team, it was about the community - what we could do as a group that was commendable, worth doing, and enjoyable (most of the time) while we were accomplishing it.   The Encarta Dictionary defines community as “a group of people with shared interests within society.”  Communities of people get more done - leveraging their differences as one force for the good of the whole.  Are you building great communities?  Here’s how to tell:

Rapport

Although a little tough, in retrospect, what the “fatboy” comment taught me was that we were all humbly in the same boat.  Yes, I was able to stencil my uniforms quicker than the gent next to me but that didn’t make me any better.  Regardless of where we come from or, even, how long our last name is (or isn’t), communities do not foster competition between members.  Rather, they foster a oneness of purpose and of shared meaning.    Shared meaning, organizationally, gives a group a focal point for communicating and moving forward.  As a leader, I never hesitated to roll up my sleeves and get dirty.  This helped in creating the “we’re all in this together” rapport that was needed to hamper competition, leverage individual strengths, and foster oneness of purpose.  Rapport builds relationships and, quite simply, binds us emotionally together.

Reciprocity

What I love about my community now is the same thing I loved about being in the Navy.  I always know that someone has my back.  Currently, if I get up earlier than my neighbor on a snowy day, I take care of his walkway.  On days he’s up and at it early, he does the same.  After being jolted by the bolstering voice of the Company Commander while stenciling, I reached over and helped my long lettered neighbor get through his mess.  Yes, at the time, I would have done anything to get the focus off my portliness but helping my neighbor did the trick.  I was left alone and slapped on my portly back for helping out a shipmate.  Building a community within your organization doesn’t have to take a negative spin and can be as easy.  It’s as easy as rewarding those who go out of their way to lend a hand to another.  What are the mechanisms in place to recognize and reward that kind of servant stewardship where you are?

Recreation

Having fun is the social grease that makes the community machine function smoothly.  What’s best is that recreation helps to build rapport and the want to help each other out.  I like to think of it like this:  When I know and laugh with someone, I know them on a different plane - more personally.  We’ve communed in way that is unique and binding.  During my boot camp months, our group perpetually laughed at the incongruent nature of our lives and how we ended up there at that place.  We also laughed at our mistakes as we helped each other get better.  My current community has the same feel when we get together to barbecue in the backyard or meet at the school for an ice cream social.  This is the easiest thing we can do to build community in our workplaces - let off the gas and allow people to have fun, laugh, and enjoy what they do and who they do it with.

In the end, I enjoy being part of a community much more than being on a team.  The feel is just different.  When I’m part of a community, I don’t feel encumbered by rank, title, or circumstance - I feel free to explore, speak up, and contribute because I know that I have something that provides value to the whole and we’re all in this together.  I’ll never forget that day stenciling (nearly naked and ashamed).  Not because I was “called out” for  being a fatboy but because it was my introduction to a community of people that served each other and served something larger than themselves.

Fat Boys Can’t Jump

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